Album Review – Sonata Arctica / Pariah’s Child (2014)

What in the name of Ukko is this garbage?

Rating10

pariahs_childAccording to the Merrian-Webster Online Dictionary,  the definition of the word shame can be “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety”, “a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute”, or “something that brings censure or reproach; something to be regretted”. However, there should be a new item added to this list: the new album from Finnish Power Metal band Sonata Arctica, the horrible Pariah’s Child.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start, or even if I should start talking about what was supposed to be called “music” in Pariah’s Child. It’s not Heavy Metal, Power Metal, Hard Rock, or even basic Rock N’ Roll, it’s just pure garbage that will make your ears bleed of annoyance if you don’t stay away from what is a serious contender for “worst album of the year”. There’s some blah blah blah that Pariah’s Child marks the return of wolf-themed songs, that “wolf” is a metaphor for fear, that it’s “old” Sonata, but nothing really works in this shameful disgrace. Instead of keeping drinking some good old Koskenkorva Viina, it seems Tony Kakko had a really bad trip with counterfeit LSD.

You might be deceived by The Wolves Die Young, which not a terrible way to start (even with that irritating sound from the keyboards), and think I’m exaggerating when I say the whole album sucks, but after listening to the “happy garbage” Running Lights, the most generic thing you can find in the world of heavy music (especially the totally forgettable guitar solos), and the even worse Take One Breath, you’ll start asking yourself “what the fuck is this shit?”, or even screaming out loud “please, make them stop!”

Still not convinced? Well, even if you have ears of steel like the Superman, the “kryptonite” song Cloud Factory will take care of it and make them explode, so stupid and boring this thing (which some people dare to call a song) is. Or maybe after listening to the more than awful Blood you might considering burning all your Heavy Metal albums and become a monk in Tibet, where the only thing you’ll hear is beautiful SILENCE.

sonata_arcticaBut believe me, as incredible as it may sound, the last part of Pariah’s Child gets A LOT worse than that. What Did You Do in the War, Dad? with its cheesy lyrics is so bad, but so bad, that I have no words to describe it; Half a Marathon Man is a totally failed Hard Rock attempt (it’s NOT a beautiful day!); and X Marks the Spot is pure nonsense and, more important than that, a warning to stop listening to the album before things get even more nightmarish.

If you love Sonata Arctica more than your life and didn’t get the warning from the previous song, then it’s your fault you’ll have to listen to the mellow torture called Love. I think even Ukko, the High God of the sky, weather, harvest and thunder in Finnish mythology, would cut his wrists and blood would rain over Finland after listening to this trash! And finally comes Larger Than Life, a 10-minute torment that in the hands of a supreme tyrant like Kim Jong-un could be used as the most powerful torture device ever seen in the history of mankind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Finnish Metal and was really expecting with an open heart another good album from this decent band from the land of ice and snow, but in this case it’s impossible not to hate every single minute of this shit. I’m just giving Pariah’s Child a 0.5 for some respect I have for Sonata Arctica’s old stuff and for the band members being nice guys, because it actually deserved a HUGE FUCKIN’ ZERO. Not even the well-done album art showing a lonely wolf (or a pariah) saves it. Unfortunately that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but a very sad and shameful truth.

Best moments of the album: A few parts of The Wolves Die Young are somewhat acceptable.

Worst moments of the album: Everything else. Pariah’s Child is a total nightmare.

Released in 2014 Nuclear Blast

Track listing
1. The Wolves Die Young 4:13
2. Running Lights 4:26
3. Take One Breath 4:19
4. Cloud Factory 4:17
5. Blood 5:54
6. What Did You Do in the War, Dad? 5:13
7. Half a Marathon Man 5:43
8. X Marks the Spot 5:20
9. Love 3:50
10. Larger Than Life 9:57

Band members
Tony Kakko – vocals
Elias Viljanen – guitar
Pasi Kauppinen – bass guitar
Henrik Klingenberg – keyboards
Tommy Portimo – drums

Advertisements

The Walking Dead Review – Episode 407: Dead Weight

Now the Governor we were all waiting for is back for real!

***WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS***

If you haven’t seen Dead Weight yet, I suggest you scroll down to the end of this post first and watch the entire episode before reading the rest of the text.

twd_407_01This post is going to be as fast as the Governor when killing people due to the amount of work that is, well, killing me. Last night we learned a few lessons while watching episode 7 of season 4 from The Walking Dead, most of them taught by our “friend” the Governor, who simply deceived all of us last week with that “I’m Brian and I’m a good person” character. It took him only 5 minutes this week to throw all that garbage away and get back to what he really is: a violent and gruesome man who will kill absolutely anyone that stands on his way or tries to fool him. And it’s amazing to see him back in action like that.

The first lesson was to avoid at all costs playing golf with a crazy man you abandoned to death in the past. In fact, you shouldn’t do anything with that guy, because he will kill you for sure. That was the last lesson learned by Martinez, right before becoming an afternoon snack for a bunch of starving zombies inside a pit. Why the hell did he think the Governor was going to accept all his new rules and become one of his henchmen? Did he really think he could have more power than the Governor? That was a really stupid decision, but at least he died having some fun, playing golf after drinking some beers. Goodbye, Martinez! You were a great guy, especially for having the honor of being killed by two of the most badass characters in recent history: the Governor and Chev Chelios (if you know what I mean).

The second lesson was that there’s no such thing as a safe camp in The Walking Dead. Just forget about it. If you join some campers, you’re either going to be killed by other humans or devoured by zombies, and we had both examples during last night’s episode: first with the mysterious death of all people in that other camp, and then by Meghan almost being eaten by a walker that appeared from out of nowhere. Even the prison is not really safe, as we were able to bear witness in the past few episodes. In my opinion, moving on from place to place is the best you can do to survive because this way you might face some trouble, but at least you won’t be waiting for all the trouble to come to you.

The next lesson is so basic that we almost have an example in every single episode: extremely good people cannot survive a zombie apocalypse. It doesn’t matter what they do or who they are, if they are too good they will either die or get someone they love killed. Last night we saw Mitch’s brother, Pete, trying to be some kind of Good Samaritan, and then ending his days on earth as an underwater zombie. Of course people have to protect their families and friends, but that doesn’t mean they have to be good, right? I hope Michonne sees that as soon as possible, because her current “happy version” won’t be useful at all when the Governor attacks. I have a feeling she won’t do it, she seems too happy now, and because she’s chilling out so much the Governor will have his vengeance against her before she notices his presence.

twd_407_02And the final lesson was that, despite all the violence and madness, there’s still time for love in The Walking Dead, although we know the ending is never good for both parts. We saw the Governor and Andrea, Rick and Lori, Glenn and Maggie, and now we have the Governor and Lilly (doesnt’she look a lot like Maggie?) and, surprise, Tara and Alisha (it’s interesting to see a lesbian couple in the show now). As Martinez said a few moments before being hit in the head with a golf club by the Governor, he wasn’t ready to get married or have a family again in that world, and normally when one of the characters says something like that it’s because it’s true. We all know those couples are not going to last much longer, and that the pain they’ll suffer for losing someone they really love is a billion times worse than anything else. We saw what happens when the ones you love become zombies, when they reached that cabin in the woods last night, right?

In summary, the Governor has a new family, a new camp, new soldiers, even an expanded new version of his “aquarium” for walkers, and his thirst for revenge is back in full swing. Besides, he has a fuckin’awesome tank now, like in the comics, so it’s time for things to get as awful as they can be for Rick and his crew! Let’s get ready to say goodbye to some of our favorite characters next Sunday during the mid-season finale.

Oh, I almost forgot about the last and most important lesson: Cogeco sucks here in Toronto. I pay them to watch just TWO HOURS of TV per week, and guess what? It wasn’t working last night during the entire episode of The Walking Dead and later during Talking Dead. Great job, Cogeco!

Dead Weight (FULL EPISODE)